[2005-04-29] - [10:32 a.m.]
[for yesterday]
[Hum, today was hysterical. And I mean that in every sense of the word, it was totally crazy. We were all hyper at lunch and all through science & RE. I finished my work in RE, miracle of all miracles. It was kinda interesting, I got to rant about free speech & how if we truly had free speech then I wouldn’t be FORCED to do French with her. So there, screw you, was the basic jist of it. And RE is the one lesson where I can say what I want & no one says ‘Hey Aimee, that’s bad! You shouldn’t say stuff like that.’ For future reference, that really pisses me off, when people say something I do is bad! And I shall shut up before I go off on one about everything, shut up Aimz, just shut up. So, anyways. And at Guides, me, Sarah & Lee-anne all went kinda crazy & stressed cause we all have SAT’s next week & I know I’m gonna crap up every single exam.
Also, I got an email from M, which I replied to. I didn’t mention the crazy laughter; that seemed a bit weird, even for me. I think he emailed back, I’ll check tomorrow sometime. I guess I am glad he knows about all this, it gives me someone to talk to & someone who I think can deal.
I wrote a whole rant about suicide & what I consider serious. I’ll leave it up to you what you think serious is. I think it depends how close you’ve come. But I just want people to see; suicide isn’t all about being mad. It’s about so much more, but no one listens! In Miss S’s opinion, you have to be pretty desperate to even think about suicide. I wonder what she’d think if she read my diary. She’d probably think I was even crazier than she already does, I can deal with that. It would be nice if someone actually realised, I don’t know. I honestly haven’t got a clue, I’m just trying to forget til the SAT’s & then I can go back to whatever I call normality & everything will be okay. Or not. Whatever.
You can be whoever you want to be, you can do whatever you want to do.
Maybe that’s right. I can be whoever I wanna be, that’s not a problem. I can pretend, I can play my game in my head & I can be the girl everyone wants to see. I can’t do whatever I wanna do. I can’t be a graphic web designer because my ICT teacher is a waste of space, I’m not good enough with graphic programs & everyone expects so much more from me. I’m the girl who’s always been told she’s bright, always been told she can do these exams & the results will always be good, she doesn’t need to put in the effort to do well. But am I that girl? I’m always told that I do well because I’m clever, but I’m not, not that clever. I am clever, clever enough to survive & not work but not clever enough to stay ahead without trying. I screw up if my heads all over the place, if I can’t concentrate for more than five seconds at a time. I’m trying, trying so hard to make these SAT’s work out okay; I need them to be okay. I know it’s no big deal if I screw up these exams, but it will be. I know if I mess up big time, then all hell will break out & it’ll be like living in World War Three here. & I honestly can’t handle that. I want to do okay in them anyways; I want to be able to say that I can do something. It feels good. It makes life easy. I will do this. & I will do okay. & I will prove to Miss S that I’m not a total idiot. & I will prove to mom & dad that I’m not dumb & stupid. & I will prove to myself that I’m not total #### at everything. I think I need to go yell at someone, anyone.
A x]
The Girl: -
Aimz; Fourteen; Crazy; Odd; Sarcastic; Brown Hair; Blue Eyes; Short; Skinny; Accident prone; Clever; Romantic deep down; Paranoid.
Loves: -
Three Days Grace; Simple Plan; Horror Films; Love Films; Any other films; Avril Lavigne; Kelly Clarkson; Green Day; Friends; Mobiles; MSN; The Internet; 'Casualty'; 'Holby City'; Photos.
Hates: -
Most manufactured bands; People who don't try to understand; People who are two-faced; Smoking; Cancer; Getting the blame; Having no money; Rain ruining my eyeliner; Families.