[we'll stand forever this way]

[2005-04-29] - [10:31 a.m.]

[in the last four months, have you seriously thought about suicide?]

[My initial answer to that questions would be: what would you consider seriously? Because, let’s be honest, how do you know when you get to that point? Is it when you say in passing ‘I wish I was dead’? Is it when you think that things would be easier if you weren’t here? Is it when you draw a pair of scissors across your wrists & wonder how deep you’d need to cut for it to be enough? Is it when you reach for a razor, and slice deep til the blood pores out? Is it when you take the pills & hope it’s enough? Is it when you’re lying in the hospital bed, surrounded by nurses & shrinks? Or is it when you’re lying in the coffin, lips blue, skin cold, and blood no longer flowing? Is that the point it has to get to before you can say you seriously thought about suicide?
Do you know most suicides don’t want to die? So why do they do it? Well, let me explain. You know the person who always seems normal, always seems like the teen-age kid you always thought they were. It’s just a normal person like that, & they’re the ones who’ll take one too many pills, cut one inch too deep. It’s never the ones who seem so unhappy, who always draw attention to the fact that they’re unhappy & that they want attention & they damn well get it. It’s those who need the attention, need people to see that inside they’re dying, need someone to tell them they care about what happens. It’s that person who needs support, needs people to care!
Of course, suicide wouldn’t be suicide if it didn’t succeed. So what of the ones who do want to die? To most ‘normal’ people I suppose it seems like such a stupid idea. There are thousands starving in Africa, and this person would willingly take their own life & they seem to have it so good. But do they? Sure, some people do over exaggerate & things seem so much worse than they actually are. But some honestly feel like they can’t go on, they can’t see tomorrow because tomorrow means facing up to today, & they can’t see how things will ever get better & they’re so manically depressed that nothing is ever gonna work out. And maybe if they didn’t do it, and gave life one more chance, then it would get better. But people don’t just wake up one morning & say ‘today, I will die’. They do think about it, think that today will be the day when it’ll get better & it’ll all seem okay later on. And when they’ve reached the point where they have no hope of things being okay, then they take the last step. You think they just do it without a second thought for those around them? Wrong.
If by now, you’re saying ‘yes, but they’re so hurting those around them’ then I’ll continue. Of course it hurts those around them. There will be those who blame themselves for this person’s demise, say to themselves that they should have seen it coming, should have been there for them. But in the end, that person is gone & no amount of saying it should have been different will change anything. Relatives, friends, they can be consumed by guilt & hate & blame that person for wrecking lives, but it was still that person’s choice in the end. They made the choice & they knew the reasons. Perhaps no one else did – what do you think suicide notes are there for?
So whatever their reasons, attention seeking, at the end of their tether, depressed and alone, needing something better than this life, you cannot stop someone killing themselves & you cannot stop them thinking about suicide. And that is that. If someone wishes to seriously think about suicide then let him or her. Just don’t blame yourself if someone close commits suicide because it’s not your fault.
I won’t say what my answer was; I’ll leave that to your imagination. But just go away & think please. Think about that person that you thought was okay that you tease without realising how upset they are inside & think about how seriously they consider suicide. That’s all I ever ask, that people think before they speak.

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