[we'll stand forever this way]

[2005-06-22] - [9:29 p.m.]

[how do i turn this thing around...]

[Turn, face me. Turn, show me. Turn, let me see. Turn around, tell me the truth. Tell it to me now, tell me like you never did before. I want to know; I need to know. It’s only the truth, it’s all I ever asked of you & you will not tell me. Why? Why can’t you just tell me now, spare me the grief later when everyone must know. I know you love her, not me. You never loved me. Not since I lost our baby. I thought it would be okay. I was wrong. Go, be with her. You’re only hurting us both by staying here with me. I just need to let go, I need you to leave me & stop all the pain coursing through me. I hate you, but I still love you so much. But I have to let go. You have to be with her. No amount of me screaming; begging; crying; will help us get through this. You have to leave. I can never forgive what you’ve done.
‘Please Mel,’ you beg of me, your eyes so sweet & loving.
I could almost believe you right now. I could believe that you never meant to hurt me; it was just a moment of weakness. But then I remember the moment I found out; heard your voice talking to her; saw you kissing her. You kiss her so much softer than you kiss me; so loving & caring. Nothing you ever felt for me. Your eyes are so dark in this light, so vulnerable. I fell in love with those eyes the first time I saw you. You looked at me, I looked back & I fell so in love with you that it nearly killed me. But instead you fell for me too, or so I thought. Guess you never fell for me after all.
‘I love you Melly, I always will,’ you say quietly, a single tear rolling down your stricken face.
If it was any other time, any other situation, I would have fallen for that tear. Instead all I can feel is sorrow & heartache. I wish I could fell anger at you for what you’ve done to our family. But I can’t. I wish I was like one of those people you see in Eastenders, hitting & lashing out at the cheating husband. Maybe if I’d been like that you’d have stayed with me, & not chosen her over me. If only I’d been the strong independent wife you always wanted & not who I am you’d love me. If I wasn’t so shy, so mousy, so easy to walk all over, then this would never have happen. You knew you’d get away with it. You knew I’d say nothing, because I don’t want to upset you. Well here’s a newsflash pal. I’ve had enough of the stupid little Mel. Things have to change, before I get hurt again.
‘Get out of my house,’ I say calmly, hiding the croak in my voice where the tears want to spill over.
I won’t cry; I won’t. I will stay strong, for me. It’s the only way out of this mess.
‘You don’t mean that,’ you reply confidently, certain I’ll back down & forgive you again.
I won’t.
‘Get the fuck out of my fucking house,’ I repeat, stronger this time.
There’s no waver in my voice. And it’s working; you’re backing away from me, walking out of my front door. You’re leaving me at last.
‘Please!’ you cry one last time, real tears falling down your face finally.
For once, you are sincere to me. But its ten years too late. You missed your chance & I’m standing up to you at the end. I feel my hand balling into a fist, & before I know it you’ve got a bloody nose & your face is scrunched up in pain & disbelief. Yes, the mouse of a wife just hit back & got you smack bang on your nose. It serves you right for all those years of crap & bullshit you gave me. A bloody nose is the least of your worries mate. From now on I will be me! I’ll be that woman you always wanted, but you’re not getting her. I’ll be everything you need, but I’m too good for you now. You’re a slimy little rat & slimy little rats have no place in my life.
I slam the door in your pathetic face.
A little face peers around the corner at me. A smile appears on its face, as my little boy runs out & hugs me. And that little hug means so much to me. He loves me for sticking up for me & him. It’s what I always wanted. It’s just him & me now, & it’s so perfect. He’s all mine & I’m all his.
‘Guess I turned this thing around Sam,’ I whisper in his ear.
He grins cheekily at me. I have turned this around.
]

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