[we'll stand forever this way]

[2005-04-09] - [12:48 p.m.]

[i'm looking out, hmmm...]

[Megan stood beside the window, gazing out into the street of normal, suburban life going on around her, like a merry-go-round except she wasn’t on the ride. She wasn’t part of this normal life; she was hidden away beneath layers of complexity and fear. She wanted to go out there, and be part of other people’s lives, but she couldn’t; couldn’t leave the safety around her. She drew the curtains slowly, backing away from her dream that could never come true. She had once hoped to lead a perfect life, met a husband, have 2.4 kids and own a dream home. But then the fear set in. One step outside, and she was collapsing on the floor.
Instead, she made her life in the house on that street. Everything was designed by her, everything to her perfect standards, and it made her feel safe. Here was her sanctuary, here was her only place in the world that every truly felt safe.
She turned to the computer; pleased to see it hadn’t turned itself off yet again.
‘Let’s see who there is to talk to then,’ she muttered, used to talking to herself, having spent all these years alone. Just four years ago, she had been a carefree teenager with a boyfriend. ‘What happened to that girl?’ she asked, signing into all her programs.
A window pinged up on the screen, showing a message from a girl, who also sat at a computer, but a long way away from Megan.
Lost_and_alone@hotmail.co.uk: Hey, it’s Georgie, 23, female from London.
MegMeg@hotmail.co.uk: Hey Georgie, Megan, 23, female from Manchester.
Lost_and_alone@hotmail.co.uk: I found your address through the agoraphobia message board, thought maybe you’d like someone to talk to.
MegMeg@hotmail.co.uk: You an agoraphobic too? I have been for the past…well; it seems like forever. Three years this Xmas coming. You?
Lost_and_alone@hotmail.co.uk: Really has been the past forever, since I was small. What happened to you?
MegMeg@hotmail.co.uk: Ex-boyfriend attacked me in the street, can’t walk past anything out there without remembering him. You?
Lost_and_alone@hotmail.co.uk: I’ve always been like this, terrified of leaving my home. The internet’s become the one place I can talk to people now.
MegMeg@hotmail.co.uk: Me too, guess we have that in common then!
Lost_and_alone@hotmail.co.uk: Yeah, guess so. I have to go Megan; we’ll talk soon. Anytime you need me, just drop me a message. It’s not like I’ll ever be far away… G xxx
MegMeg@hotmail.co.uk: Okay, thanks Georgie. XxxxmeganxxxX
Georgina turned away from her computer, leaving the room where she had been talking to Megan just moments before. She felt so alone just then, just as she had done for most of her life. Yet again she stared so despairingly at the window, wishing the outside didn’t look quite so scary to her. She knew it was irrational; it went against everything else she knew but yet she still couldn’t do it. She couldn’t even open the door anymore; she was totally stuck where she was.
Everything, everything, she’d done was scientific yet all the fears of going outside lingered, much as she tried to push them away. They wouldn’t go, wouldn’t leave her. No matter what, she thought to herself, I am always going to be stuck here in a world made up of my computer and four walls.
She perched on the windowsill, looking out into the suburban life rushing on around her, left out of their lives. There was a mother, father and child strolling happily down her street, yet she could never have any of their blissful happiness! She could never be the one with a child, wandering care freely down the street. And to her, it seemed so unfair. She looked out, gazing at the lives she could never have and wishing she could be there, not just looking out at it.
]

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