[we'll stand forever this way]

[2005-04-27] - [7:22 p.m.]

[meh, ill & off school]

[Bleurgh. Been off school today cause I’m ill. Really, really exhausted. Head hurts, legs ache, all dizzy. Great, just great. SAT’s in like five days & I’m ill! I have got some revision done though, so that’s good I guess. Seriously need to go ring M, really shouldn’t send text messages at midnight. That kinda sucks. & he didn’t even bother to email. Unless my email doesn’t work properly… That might explain it I guess. Oh well. Honestly, I think if anyone ever says anything ever again then I’m just gonna lose it totally. People always saying I can trust them, & no worries, it’s all okay. I don’t want that. But I do. I want someone to say it’s okay, and of course I don’t ever have to go to French again & I won’t totally panic & crap everything up & I won’t suddenly start crying in English & my world won’t come crashing down. Except everyone says it’s okay & I know it’s not & it’s just all lies & I never believe them because they’re wrong. I don’t want just anyone to say it’s okay. I know who I want to say it’s okay but they won’t because they don’t think anything is wrong. Or maybe they know & they don’t wanna ask because I’m just the girl in the corner. I’m just the one who never knows the answers but I do. Jesus, some people do my head in! Actually, I’m pretty much doing my own head in right now, totally confusing myself so I hate to think what’s going through your head. Blah. I revised like 30 pages of math today, & I got most the answers right. That was good I suppose. But still not amazing. I think I’ll text M & tell him it was nothing & he won’t believe me but he’ll have no choice & then I can avoid him for forever & a day. Or not. Could be difficult. He may just drive down & come & find me & ask me if it’s okay & I can say it is & he won’t believe me & it can go back to before. Or not. I don’t know if I want it back to before, back to some sense of normality. I’ll get my SAT’s out of the way first & then go explain. Or not. Lie. That’s always worked before, should work now. If he didn’t know so bloody much. Meh. Sometimes it majorly sucks, having a certain person knowing everything. Well, thinking they know everything about me. Whereas they actually know next to nothing because I never say. This certain person being M obviously. God, I really think I messed up by telling him, because sometimes it’s good him knowing but most of the time, I just feel bad. & he feels bad & basically, everyone’s kinda screwed up because of me. Not everyone. Just M & a few others. Blah. Still sucks though, I think I should really think before I talk/text. I think I should think a lot. Or not. That’s not good either. I liked it before, like, before this diary, when I told him everything & it was okay. But then I just didn’t & I don’t know why but once a lie begins, there’s no stopping it. Like in Macbeth when he starts killing people & lying, he just can’t stop. Hell, I’m gonna do great on that exam; I can totally see how he & Lady Macbeth feel. More so than I think is healthy for a teenager but at least I stand a chance of passing one exam. Who cares about the others? Well, a lot of people care how I do in the other ones but I can’t sit down & revise. & I’ll fail anyways, what’s the point? Oh ####! I missed the English revision class today while I was ill. Meh. That’s a bit of a fucker really, don’t have a clue what I’m gonna do in the exam now. Maybe I should go see Miss S tomorrow sometime & explain that I’m gonna fail & what the #### am I gonna do. Possibly leave out the what the #### am I gonna do bit though. Incidentally, I’m not supposed to be on the computer & it’s doing my eyes in, writing all this down but I have no choice. If I don’t then I just keep it inside & then it all goes kaput. Kaput – German for broken. But kaput sounds better than broken, which is my hotmail address. All these connections. Okay, back to wherever the hell I was. Lexi has a diary on here now, gotta go visit that sometime when I don’t feel like #### on legs. Ha ha ha, just had a random thought about sex on legs. That’s my name for this street someplace in London that’s famous for shagging. Don’t ask, I have no idea but I’ve been there & it just looks so ordinary. I guess that’s how people are too, so ordinary on the outside but inside, there’s so much hell there. What do you mean; hell is when you die? You think people top themselves because they know hell is when they’re dead? Hell, my dears, is now. There’s no hell & heaven when you die, just the end. Don’t ask where that came from. I watch too many soaps and answer too many quizzes for people.
In the last four months, have you seriously thought about suicide?
What would you consider seriously? I may do a whole new entry about that actually. I have got to stop watching all these programs! People shouldn’t get raped & commit suicide in Holby City, they shouldn’t overdose in Life Begins, they shouldn’t try and slit their wrists in Casualty and they shouldn’t die in Coronation Street. End of.

A x
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