[we'll stand forever this way]

[2005-05-10] - [7:25 a.m.]

[i'm not a bitter person but....]

[This is for yesterday but my internet was broke all day.

I would have uploaded this earlier but the net's been broke because it sucks. A lot. My email was screwed yesterday, my whole computer was screwed earlier, and now the net is screwed! *cries* God, I hate computers sooo much!
I made some cute little buttons for Lexi's diary yesterday, they so rock. Well, I made them a few days ago but I think she only actually put them on yesterday. So.
Aaah, today. Today sucked. A lot. PE sucked. Apart from the random Shrek 2 songs me & Anne was singing! Which really pissed off T-A. Incidently, that was the idea. We wanted to piss her off a lot cause she pisses us off. Well, she's evil to Anne. She doesn't give a fuck about me, which suits me just fine! I can piss her off and not even get beaten up. Whoo. TB managed to hurt my wrist by bashing it against the radiator in Drama, which hurt like hell. It was my left wrist and all! (I'm left handed) And it still kinda hurts now, but I'll get over it. *puts on brave face* Oh great, now it's bloody raining! Just fucking wonderful! *hits weather for being so crap* London weather sucks. Where was I? German was funny today I guess. I think Miss C got the wrong end of the stick (wrong stick altogether actually!) and now believes I fancy her and am going to marry her....hows about no? Ahem. And Chris was singing SCLUB7 again! And it was like...no!!! Anyhoo... So we hung in Miss M's room again, planned my wedding to Miss S. Have I explained this? No? Well, sod explaining it. Can't be arsed really. And I'm now sitting next to Ankur & Michael in math, so that's fuuuuun. We're doing this shitty investigation thingey. Hehe. So much fun. Well, it's fun to do it where I'm sitting. I was pissing myself laughing aaaall lesson! It was stupid! And English. English. English. Bah. Don't ask why I just wrote English three times. Crazy girl like what I am. Miss S was in a crap mood. She didn't give us malteasers. :( Not that I was really expecting malteasers, I just hoped maybe we'd get malteasers. But we didn't. I'm in a group with Chaz, Anne & Carole now for this thing we're doing about Froops. I have to ask 10 people what they want from them or something like that. I may just make it up. Seems easier. I hope Miss S didn't just read that. I'd be in such shit given her current mood. And now I'm home. Alone. Almost. Mom & Ellie are going out soon so I really will be alone.
I hate you! Jesus, you have no idea how much I despise you for everything! Yes, everything! Just breathing, you ruin my life. I'm living in hell, and you still don't even know who I am. S. S was such an appropriate initial to give you! Shit head, slave driver, shit, sucker, shit, sad (how you make me feel), shit. See? You suck! You suck beyond all belief; I can't believe no one's realised already. It's obvious you dimwits! Christ, how obvious have I made it? S. The letter I gave them in school. The lies.
I hate M too. Stupid fucking bastard, I do not what to discuss anything over the phone, I do not need him fucking bothering me! I have that enough, I've had enough of this shit! One minute he's there, wanting to talk to me. The next, he's walked out again. I can't do that, not again. Not after before. I'm not loosing him too. I can't deal with that.
I hate mom & dad for being such fuckers. Mom went to a shrink. Then dad went to the same shrink after mom stopped going! It's kinky & it sucks! I hate it, I hate having to find out the truth through whispered conversations. I hate the constant apologies that mean nothing because it won't ever change. I hate the lies they tell to make everything seem okay when a half dead mouse could work out what shit was happening! Stop. Just stop.
And I hate the memories, I hate the feelings that come in the dark when I'm alone. I hate that I can't remember, that I won't remember. I don't want to, but I can't stand the flash backs anymore. I need them to go away, I need my head empty, just empty.
[When I said that I love you, I meant that I love you forever] That's supposed to be sweet. It's not. I hate our forever, I hate that this love won't stop & I just so need it go away and leave me! I need to forget, I need to forget. I need to get over you. A few more months, and this is over. I'm holding onto that hope. That prayer?
Whoever said that love was a wonderful and beautiful thing was more of a liar than me. Love. I know love. And love is the worst thing ever.
ILOVEYOUSTUPIDFUCKERANDICANTMAKETHISGOAWAY. ITWONTLEAVEMEANDISOWANTTOFORGETANDLEAVEYOUASAPARTOFMYLIFEIDONTWANTTOGOBACKTOBUTICANTBECAUSEEVERYWHEREIGOYOUARETHERE,WAITINGFORMETOFALLSOYOUCANSAYYOULOVEMETOO. BUTYOUWONTBECAUSEYOUDONTANDIWASSOSOSOSTUPIDFOREVERTHINKINGTHATYOUWOULD. IWOULDDIEFORYOUBUTYOUWOULDNOTEVENTALKFORME. IWOULDDIE. IPROMISE. #####. #####. #####. IHATEYOUSOFUCKINGMUCH.

A x]

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